~ At the end of January ~
It is once again the end of the month, and I find myself constricted by the chains of stress and unease. Last year, I began thesylthorian.com with great dreams and desires for the future, which over the course of following months have tended to dwindle in the energy that first created them.
Looking back, I can only ask myself what I had done wrong and where I have made that crucial mistake or mistakes that led me to feel as I do now… In a way, I consider that maybe all I did was fail on my path… Did I aim for a star that was far out of my league?
My readers who have been with me on this journey since the previous site, maybe know that over the years, my writing speed decreased significantly. As for why that is, I still have no idea.
Right now, as I write this, I feel stressed, depressed, pressured, and burdened by the swirling emotions inside me that keep telling me to write and write and write, but when I pick up the pen, I find it to be as heavy as a mountain.
It’s upsetting and frustrating.
I hate this part of myself, but I also know that hate won’t ever bring me or anyone anything good, so I am forced to try and find a way to forgive it and somehow heal it.
It’s kind of strange to speak of a wound that’s not physical, but just because I’m plagued by it now doesn’t mean that it’s going to be here forever!
Yeah, it hurts! Yeah, it’s frustrating! Yeah, it’s annoying and makes me want to scream sometimes, but none of these are a good reason for me to give up and call it quits! Heck, that sort of thought isn’t even on my mind.
I know that I have to get over this. I know I have to figure out what the hell this pain is. Maybe it’s the desire of change? Maybe it’s the desire to do less or maybe quite the opposite, to do more?
For now, I don’t know… I’ll keep struggling with it. This article here is a way for me to let out these emotions and easen the burden on my heart, so do forgive the depressing note.
Did I fail myself? Did I fail my readers? Did I fail God?
Scratch that last part, failing God is a bit hard to do when you wish to follow his Divine Plan.
Maybe I consider that I had failed myself by no accomplishing all that I wanted to do. I tried To Do Lists, rigorous schedules, loose schedules, all sort of time management tricks and tips and absolutely nothing worked so far.
Do I lack the ability to do it? No! In the pursuit of your own dreams you never lack the ability to achieve it, you never lack the strength, but you CAN lose your way. You CAN be derailed by life and your own health…
Does this mean you have to give up on your dream? No. On the contrary, it means you aren’t beaten yet. It means that there’s still more to give and try, and maybe all you need is that last spur to get you back up on your feet.
One downhill on the road doesn’t mean you will reach a dead end. An infinite negative slope can only exist in the realm of theoretical mathematics, not in real life, unless you yourself make it so.
I don’t think I failed my readers because admitting that I failed them is the same thing as stepping on their belief and faith in me as an author.
So in the end, I’m only crying because I failed myself… At one point in time, somewhere, somehow… I missed a step, I stumbled and then fell, then I stumbled again and so on…
But enough crying! Even if I had failed to achieve my goals so far, even if I had lost my momentum one too many times, it doesn’t mean that I’m at the end of the road! It doesn’t mean that there’s no solution, no way to fix all of this.
I’m just not looking where I should.
So my next goal is simple: I’m getting out of this slump.
At the end of January, I stand here before my desk, typing this article that started out with a pain in my chest and realizing that while I do want to write and write and write, quality can only be achieved when I myself am in top shape to do it.
Letting go of fears and worries, of stress and guilt is the only way to do it.
I have my bad days and I have my good days. I have my moments of awe inspiration and also my moments when I’m a brain dead zombie.
It’s tough and it hurts when you tumble down the mountain called life, but all you have to do is stop yourself and then climb back up. The first steps will be the most painful ones, but they will be all worth it. And yeah, it might not be the first time you tumble down on this mountain. Sometimes you’ll go farther down and sometimes just a few steps, counting how much you have until you reach the bottom will never ever help you with anything.
When you fall down, when you are at the bottom, what you have to do is look up at the goal, at the flag at the top of the mountain and realize that you yourself were the one who placed it there in the first place.
I know this wasn’t the chapter you have been looking for, but thank you for reading till the end. If you think there’s anything I should try to get better, please suggest it in the comments below. You never know where the rabbit will pop out.
Note from the author: Thank you for reading this article! I hope you enjoyed it and maybe learned something new! 🙂
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