~ At the end of January ~

It is once again the end of the month, and I find myself constricted by the chains of stress and unease. Last year, I began thesylthorian.com with great dreams and desires for the future, which over the course of following months have tended to dwindle in the energy that first created them.

Looking back, I can only ask myself what I had done wrong and where I have made that crucial mistake or mistakes that led me to feel as I do now… In a way, I consider that maybe all I did was fail on my path… Did I aim for a star that was far out of my league?

My readers who have been with me on this journey since the previous site, maybe know that over the years, my writing speed decreased significantly. As for why that is, I still have no idea.

Right now, as I write this, I feel stressed, depressed, pressured, and burdened by the swirling emotions inside me that keep telling me to write and write and write, but when I pick up the pen, I find it to be as heavy as a mountain.

It’s upsetting and frustrating.

I hate this part of myself, but I also know that hate won’t ever bring me or anyone anything good, so I am forced to try and find a way to forgive it and somehow heal it.

It’s kind of strange to speak of a wound that’s not physical, but just because I’m plagued by it now doesn’t mean that it’s going to be here forever!

Yeah, it hurts! Yeah, it’s frustrating! Yeah, it’s annoying and makes me want to scream sometimes, but none of these are a good reason for me to give up and call it quits! Heck, that sort of thought isn’t even on my mind.

I know that I have to get over this. I know I have to figure out what the hell this pain is. Maybe it’s the desire of change? Maybe it’s the desire to do less or maybe quite the opposite, to do more?

For now, I don’t know… I’ll keep struggling with it. This article here is a way for me to let out these emotions and easen the burden on my heart, so do forgive the depressing note.

(...)

Did I fail myself? Did I fail my readers? Did I fail God?

Scratch that last part, failing God is a bit hard to do when you wish to follow his Divine Plan.

Maybe I consider that I had failed myself by no accomplishing all that I wanted to do. I tried To Do Lists, rigorous schedules, loose schedules, all sort of time management tricks and tips and absolutely nothing worked so far.

Do I lack the ability to do it? No! In the pursuit of your own dreams you never lack the ability to achieve it, you never lack the strength, but you CAN lose your way. You CAN be derailed by life and your own health…

Does this mean you have to give up on your dream? No. On the contrary, it means you aren’t beaten yet. It means that there’s still more to give and try, and maybe all you need is that last spur to get you back up on your feet.

One downhill on the road doesn’t mean you will reach a dead end. An infinite negative slope can only exist in the realm of theoretical mathematics, not in real life, unless you yourself make it so.

(...)

I don’t think I failed my readers because admitting that I failed them is the same thing as stepping on their belief and faith in me as an author.

(...)

So in the end, I’m only crying because I failed myself… At one point in time, somewhere, somehow… I missed a step, I stumbled and then fell, then I stumbled again and so on…

But enough crying! Even if I had failed to achieve my goals so far, even if I had lost my momentum one too many times, it doesn’t mean that I’m at the end of the road! It doesn’t mean that there’s no solution, no way to fix all of this.

I’m just not looking where I should.

So my next goal is simple: I’m getting out of this slump.

(...)

At the end of January, I stand here before my desk, typing this article that started out with a pain in my chest and realizing that while I do want to write and write and write, quality can only be achieved when I myself am in top shape to do it.

Letting go of fears and worries, of stress and guilt is the only way to do it.

I have my bad days and I have my good days. I have my moments of awe inspiration and also my moments when I’m a brain dead zombie.

It’s tough and it hurts when you tumble down the mountain called life, but all you have to do is stop yourself and then climb back up. The first steps will be the most painful ones, but they will be all worth it. And yeah, it might not be the first time you tumble down on this mountain. Sometimes you’ll go farther down and sometimes just a few steps, counting how much you have until you reach the bottom will never ever help you with anything.

When you fall down, when you are at the bottom, what you have to do is look up at the goal, at the flag at the top of the mountain and realize that you yourself were the one who placed it there in the first place.

(...)

I know this wasn’t the chapter you have been looking for, but thank you for reading till the end. If you think there’s anything I should try to get better, please suggest it in the comments below. You never know where the rabbit will pop out.

Note from the author: Thank you for reading this article! I hope you enjoyed it and maybe learned something new! 🙂

Check out my books!

You never know what you might find!

Check out my Web Novels!

Countless hours of fun and adventure!

I am grateful for any and all of your support! Thank you!

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Javi
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Javi

I am a Spanish reader and every Wednesday I look forward to the new chapters, but I know you are going through a difficult moment and maybe you should take a break, cheer up and wish you the best

anon
Guest
anon

This state is very familiar to me. I got through this several times. If my supposition is right, this is called the “occupational burnout”. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occupational_burnout) Just don’t write anything for a while, unless at those moments of inspiration, when you totally need to write down here and now what’s on your mind. Approximately for several weeks. If it’s truly your calling (as far as I, and all your readers, can see, it’s totally true), after such vacation returning to your work will just happen naturally. I am at the end of my vacation right now and I have successfully returned… Read more »

mdscorpazz
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mdscorpazz

I’d ask another author for advice. Other people have probably gone through the same things. I’m not sure what your reasons for having your own site are. It might be easier to try someone else’s like rrl. Figure out what’s stressing you out, maybe keep a stress journal. Then you can work to minimize it.

Nicholas Knapp
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Nicholas Knapp

Why did you start writing? Are you happy with your work? Write for yourself first. If it is sporadic that’s fine. As long as you are happy with your work than all is good.

Lee
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Lee

I’m epileptic and find that I easily become emotionally unstable one word or action can find me caught in a loop thought on the edge of trapped in doing nothing,I tried all sorts of things meditation,tai chi,counselling,talking to friends and family,gym,running and more in the end I find time fixes all things I choose my goal or goals knowing full well I’m not getting there in a straight line I’ll set off get stuck people push so I hide in my home, I once didn’t leave my house for 2 years turned out buying a new phone let me out… Read more »

silverhip
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silverhip

iyhaaa what can i say that would encurage u, what can i say that help, hmmm its tricky, at this time i remeber something my brother said to me which is this ,, simply take a step back take a deep breath, and look at the problem again, if that dosnt work, take five steps back take aim and then shoot it till its dead? yeah i know strange brother but he was 14 when he said it lol. i sugest there for taking a step back , cut down on whats needed and whats not, concentrate on one thing… Read more »

Wilson Khor W.H.
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Wilson Khor W.H.

The only thing I think you’ve failed, is no one apart from your own expectations. I’m saying this as someone with 13 years of writing poetry – I’m a poet and zine author (have published over 20 zine titles since I started making zines 3 years ago), and yes, I too believe that it’s my calling to write. Sometimes, it’s not the to-do list or the writing schedules that matter, but something more internal. Not sure whether it’s the same case with you, but this might be a case where your life has changed a lot since the time you… Read more »

Juan
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Juan

Stay strong! I’ve had past experiences where I’ve questioned everything and have been severely critical of myself, my work, and my future. I was able to get through it with the help of a counselor. Just having someone to talk to helped a ton. All of us here appreciate your work and know you are more than strong enough to get through this. Take care!

Albirew
Member
Albirew

Well, for my part, when I’m trying to make a song, the more I try to be orderly, the less I’m able to put something on paper. And it’s even more true when composing alone. So for a bit of advice, try to write either with some disturbances around, or with a friend, even if it’s just bits of advices or questions, you can use it to get new ideas.

Well, in a way, try to get out of habits as much as possible =)

gerik
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gerik

Hi! Well I’ve been reading you for a long time, way before this site was created. You are one of my favorite authors. I think that you really need now is to forget what schedule is. Take a small break from us. If you wan to write something, write it, if you don’t, then do something else. Try rereading your own works from the start but not like author, try doing it like you read someone else’s book. It can bring a good vibe. We really can wait. If you make writing a scheduled work that you do only to… Read more »

neohelixphantom
Member
neohelixphantom

How funny it is when one seems unable to write as one wishes even if one forces itself, and yet the skills of the craft are still sufficient to whip up most poetic message to ones readers as well as unto oneself. Your skill and will are factors of yours which none amoungst your readers are even remotely capable of doubting. Your zeal for writing is amoungst the utter best I’ve seen since becoming a netizen. The dreaded syndromes of “Blank Image” and “Heavy Quill” are truly most infuriating, this I admit. They can quite easily break a writer in… Read more »

Salokin
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Salokin

This sounds way too familiar…the self-criticizm, the confusion, the frustration…I really should get back to my own writings…

Peter
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Peter

taking longer vacations or a few breaks during the year is very reasonable (and indicated). but if the break is too long, you risk losing your interest and heart for writing… and then projects get in – I’ll do it later – place and generally never leave it. it’s best to take a break, but to decide that in a week, a month or even a quarter I will move in full swing … and keep this deadline at all costs! know that we are with you and we keep our fingers crossed for you, and regardless of whether you… Read more »

WhiteNekoKnight
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WhiteNekoKnight

Finding the right counseler/psychologist to talk to is an amazing thing. I know its helped me work with my depression. I also recommend practicing mindfulness, it takes a while to learn this skill but its the best skill I know of to work through mental issues like stress and depression.

pantser
Guest
pantser

You did not fail us, we are happy that you put your time and effort in entertaining us. That you have a reader base does not mean that there is any obligation to actually wright anything. As far as the problem with actually writhing goes the only tip i can give is: think of the end result you want in your story (or short term goal), than think what your story needs to get there (items, situations or characters) and think a way to incorporate them while still following the rules of your world/story. Maybe that could give you a… Read more »

Laharah
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Laharah

Hey, hang in there and never give up! It’s a rough period, but it will pass. If you persevere, you will achieve your goal and your dream. You are an amazing writer, never forget that! And don’t push yourself too hard in times like these 🙂 Sometimes you just need a little break to get back in shape.

Laharah
Guest
Laharah

Sorry about the previous message, I thought it wasn’t posted.

xMYx
Guest
xMYx

I’m not saying to give up, but I think you need a change of pace. Try to do something else, maybe it will inspire you, or do something relaxing to relieve some stress.
Maybe travelling could be good for you.

Lucifer
Guest
Lucifer

It sounds to me that in the beginning writing was fun and a hobby you loved to do. Now, however it has turned into a job at first it was still fun because you got paid doing your hobby, but as time progressed and you had to meet deadline and schedules where you’re once fun hobby starts to cut into daily life it became less fun and more stressful. You seemed to try to correct this by starting new stories, instead of addressing the main issue, which is probably; “why you started writing in the first place?” With each new… Read more »

Laharah
Guest
Laharah

Hey, don’t ever give up! It’s a rough period, but it will pass! If you persevere, you will reach your dream, I am sure of it! You are an amazing writer, never forget that!

DSKM
Guest
DSKM

Don’t worry you still write great stuff, you just need to see the silver lining in this current situation, cause I believe that what you feeling rn can and will be overcome by no one other than you yourself, be brave be optimistic and above all be proud of the community you created with your amazing writings. I will still be your reader forever and I believe many people share the same thought as me so don’t worry and be happy. P.S. : here’s a table flip for you to let steam out plus a tank cause tanks rules ╯°□°)╯︵… Read more »

peter3135566
Member
peter3135566

First of all, you dident fail the readers. I love your righting and im sure evryone here do, even if the publish rate went doun a bit, in a way it only made my addiction to your amazing storys stronger xD Not sure if it helps, but mabe try to insted doing a few main books that you keep publish chapters, try to read over the storys and see if you feel like adding more to something that you havent ritten about for a while, or mabe its hard to you to constantly switch betwhen storys, and you need to… Read more »

Annon4427
Guest
Annon4427

Ok. I have been a reader and enjoyed your novels ever since I discovered you when you created this new site. I wonder if you have ever thought about not worrying and just improvising a schedule. Another thing is you might just need a change of pace or scenery. You have always written quality things and you write chapter by chapter so it can be difficult to connect things sometimes. You can always look at your readers and ask just like this if you need help. You are an amazing author and I just hope you can get out of… Read more »

Darthpab
Guest
Darthpab

DONT LOSE YOUR WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
I CAN SHOW U DA WEI THO. Cheer up fam, im rooting for you 😀

Kris
Guest
Kris

Maby take a holyday in the heat and relax

dai
Guest
dai

get well soon

RandomNameGoesHere
Guest
RandomNameGoesHere

This guy has his priorities straight, mm-hmm…
———————————
I must say I cannot give you some wise advice, as someone who can’t understand such things i’ll try saying my thing, DO YOU, don’t fret over too many things(i’ll likely get hate for this part, if someone cares enough to read this). My personality is of not caring for things like worrying about my problems (perhaps a lie :/) I’ll just keep going with life. Though this is not me we’re talking about, it’s you, thus just keep trying to get through life. ‘get well soon’ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯