~ Chapter 18: Two Monsters… Two Souls ~

[Tuberculus’ point of view]

Old age was something that caught up to me unexpectedly. By the time my beard grew long and glorious, wrinkles and white hair already started to adorn my face.

I can remember even now how one day, I was looking at my reflection in the calm waters of Lake Noknuwn perplexed by the old man looking back at me. When I realized that it was my own reflection, sadness and powerlessness overwhelmed me. I was old and wrinkly; my youth had faded away.

For several days afterwards, I kept going back there, thinking about what I should do now and how I could regain my youth. There was nothing I could do that did not involve black magic. I had wasted my time... that was the sad truth...

Accepting my old age, I then focused on leaving a legacy and doing something that I had always wished to do. Thus, the Fellyore Magic Academy was born. To everyone else, this was the crazy desire of an old man trying to further his research on Dungeons. It was a half-truth combined with another half-truth.

Yet, who could have foretold that once I chose to give up on my obsession to allow myself to embrace death, I would be sent away into the arms of a Dungeon who saved me from old age.

Now, as a young man again, I was firmly convinced that I would not allow my time to be stolen from me again.

Fellyore was a fragment of my past now, a Legacy on a faraway continent.

Nanya was my past love, a flame that was never meant to be.

My reputation and recognition, my legacy, were now only words in a history book.

Even my name could vanish without a trace and be replaced by another.

So then, what was I supposed to do now? What new dreams, what new achievements could I make for myself? And were they worth spending my time and effort on them while knowing that if we did not win in 7 years from now, they could all be gone?

I was often told during my younger days as an adventurer that once I would grow old enough, all of my worries and questions would just poof away like magic. My mind would not be plagued anymore by various thoughts and desires and instead I would focus on raising my grandchildren or spending my days in solitude, in peace. Maybe I would go out for a walk or maybe I would stay at home in my backyard. There were all sorts of things an adventurer at old age could do as long as senility or the madness of aging did not strike them.

As time flew by, my questions did not lessen but multiplied. When once I had a question, now there were ten or more. At every corner, my curiosity was sparking and growing larger.

During my younger days, I was determined to explore dungeons in order to satisfy my curiosity. Then I met Nanya, and my goal changed to that of trying to find out more about these mysterious beings called Dungeons. I spent a lifetime chasing after a fading love... and the only thing I got out of it were more questions and a long white beard.

Now, with countless questions swirling around in my head, an aching heart ripped apart by indecision, and a curious mind that was more hyperactive than a squirrel on a sugar overdose, I found myself at the precipice of war in a young body and married by choice and fate with a Dungeon.

While the young would constantly run off trying to find a quick answer to their mind-boggling questions, I had learned with age and experience that it was far better to take your time to ponder deeply about each and every one of them. Thus, six weeks after the meeting with all the leaders in the dungeon took place, I finally came to a conclusion.

With Yandrea on my side, time was nothing more than a constant that was decided by our own free will. The one that had to keep up now was not my body but my mind. In other words, I had to give old man Tuberculus a rest and let the young and springy Tuberculus take the stage.

My first order of action was to allow my curiosity to bloom again, to let it search and explore all that it pleased.

Learning more about the ornaks, the ellyarians, the Lion Emperors, the automatons, the other monsters and creatures settled in this dungeon, and of course about Yandrea herself was all in the plan for the day. And the days... they passed fast. 

My old foggy aged mind pulled me in the direction of rest while the energy of my younger body told me that I should be doing something else, that I should be trying more, exploring more, becoming better than I could have been in the past.

On the precipice of war, I found myself standing on what was the border of my own age, the path between the old and the young, the difference between past and current generations.

Well, that was life! Sometimes you bloomed like a flower and sometimes like an old fart who lost his beloved beard!

One day, as I was heading towards Yandrea’s Hidden Grove, I stopped at the river that was encircling this small island. While it should have been nothing more than a moat, water was actually being accumulated in it and there was a flowing towards the left as I faced the West wall. A calm river, inviting and clear.

As I gazed upon my reflection, I thought Why am I still struggling to fight with old age? Why can’t I enjoy my youth? I then looked at my hands, there were no wrinkles, no scars.

My face was still sad, old and aged, but the appearance was that of a young man.

An old man...

Aged... Wrinkled... who lost his desire to live the moment he fell on the ground back on the Allasn Continent, while trying to save his academy... He was nothing more than a crippling old mage... Someone whom the others had abandoned.

Was I even of any use? Or was my death in vain? I wondered as I clenched my fists.

“What’s wrong, Tuby?” Yandrea asked as she floated next to me.

She must have seen that I had stopped following her.

I continued to look at my reflection and now her own. In my mind, the beautiful young elf woman with pink hair was floating next to me instead of an orb of light.

“If you had a body like mine... instead of that Crystal Body... do you think you would have still... wanted me?”

“Hm? That’s a silly question, of course I would! But I don’t think I can make myself a body... I was born a Crystal.” she told me almost as if she had forgotten the many times I mentioned that there were tales of Dungeons as humanoids.

Looking up at her, I told her. “I once met a woman with a fiery temperament and a fist as strong as steel! She was the child of a Dungeon and a Demon Queen. Her father, apparently, had a humanoid body. Not a crystal one, but one like mine. So maybe, I was thinking that the Crystal Body you possess is just the cocoon.”

“Cocoon?”

“Like a butterfly, at first you are a larva that can barely survive, until you can grow your wings and spread them out to fly towards the sky, where freedom awaits.”

“...”

“Then again... maybe I am the same... and my old man self was nothing more than the larva state of who I am now.” I looked back at the young man painted in the reflection of the water.

“Dungeons... can have different bodies... This... we should hurry to the grove; the little ones are waiting for me.” she flew off across the river.

As I watched her flee, I realized that I could always do the same as well... run away from everything. I could leave this dungeon and everyone here. I could rush back to the Allasn Continent... and pretend like this never happened, but then, I would really be a senile old fool, wouldn’t I?

I can be a fool... but let’s not play the old man card anymore... it’s getting too old. His legs are tired. I thought and smiled.

When I arrived at the grove, she showed me her plans for a new area underneath the Pyramid, where she would build a training ground for all the ellyarians, ornaks, and Lion Emperors. The rules of this place were slowly starting to change. We would present the Slaves a theatrical play while underneath their nose, we would train to become stronger, more powerful, wiser. The area would be of a similar size to the current floor but it would be separated into areas for various training as well as one for socializing, where the tribes would mix and be free to explore their own cultures.

It was a wonderful idea.

Then, as I looked at the plans and listened to her talk about them, I found myself sent back to the time when I was conceptualizing the grandeur of the Fellyore Magic Academy. Just like we did now, I was sitting by the campfire and drawing the plans for Nanya to see. I told her about my vision and also my intent of making an actual Dungeon...

For a moment, I could see her standing before my eyes... However... her gaze was weird... sad or maybe a bit... revolted?

To make a Dungeon... How would I have reacted if I heard her say that she wanted to make a human... by grabbing a bunch of body parts from all the humans she killed and stitched them together with magic, hoping that it would somehow work? I thought and felt my head hurt.

The image... the idea... it made me feel sick to my stomach. I got up immediately and rushed to a nearby tree. My stomach turned. My hands trembled. My forehead was sweaty... I felt weak to my knees.... and my mind... in my mind the ideas... the thoughts... everything flashed by...

When I told her how this part may have been the face, how that was the core, how that was the magic channel... how everything was connected... If those were organs... the organs of humans... I would have appeared as someone stitching up together a corpse... trying to reanimate it...

A monster trying to create a human!

A MONSTER!

“Tuby!”

The thoughts... my mind... my memories collapsed, as I saw that I was not only a senile old man who was blinded by love... I was a monster... who tried to create a... lover... because he lost one...

I knew that I could not be with her so... I did it… I made a lover…but failed… Did I think that Illsyore... that whatever he become could replace Nanya if he was a she?

Was I that deluded? I thought and immediately slammed my fist into the tree.

“NO!” I screamed out. The animals got scared and fled.

“Tuby! What’s wrong?! Why are you acting like this?” Yandrea’s voice... faded in the background like a whisper.

My mind was rushing. It was speeding up, trying to solve the mystery of my mental state...

I could not become the lover of the woman I loved... so I butchered others in order to make a lover to replace her. I became the monster and she was the human... Now... am I trying to tell Yandrea to become the same? To butcher others to become the lover that I want her to be?

“Huff! Haaa! Huff! Haaa!” my breathing was rushed, my lungs struggling to push out the stagnant air and refill themselves as if I was in a closed off cave running out of fresh air to breathe.

Am I trying to make her turn... herself... into what I want her to be? I thought and then her own memories flashed before my eyes, the ones on the pedestals.

They came from above. They tore her to pieces. They tried to make her do what they wanted... I tried to do the same... To make her into the lover I had parted with... not accepting her... not loving her... not wanting her...

I wanted Nanya... I could not have her.

I tried to make Nanya... I failed.

I was given another chance... and I tried to repeat my past.

To become the monster that Yandrea feared the most... A creator that sought perfection in his own mind and not in reality!

“NO!” I screamed out and punched the tree so hard it collapsed.

My head was hurting.

My heart was throbbing.

My hands were shaking.

I was sweating buckets, a cold river washing down my back.

Lies upon lies... all crumbling down... unlocking piece by piece like a disgusting puzzle that I had been running away from, ignoring... Yes...

“Tuby... What’s wrong with you? What’s happening?” Yandrea’s voice was becoming clear now although the world was crumbling around me.

When I looked up, I was not in the forest anymore but inside her Inner Mind... The woman with pink hair and worried look on her face was into front of me... She was holding me...

I felt all my strength slip away... I fell limp into her arms as my mind was rushing... flying... my thoughts swirling... swimming... slithering... shattering...

“Yandrea...” I said as tears formed in the corners of my eyes.

“Yes, Tuby? What is it? How can I help you?” she was worried. She was scared.

Now is the time... forget everything and go back to being the senile old man... or change and embrace an unknown path... embrace a truth I have been running away for decades now... I thought as I looked into her eyes.

My mouth parted and my words formed... These were the hardest words I had spoken in my life for it was the truth.

“Yandrea... forgive me... I realized only now... I fell in love with Nanya when I was young.”

Her eyes grew big but she did not pull back. She looked at me and waited for me to finish it all... no matter how much it hurt.

“I could not have her love. She did not love me back... She rejected me... I could not accept it... So, I ran away... I refused to listen to her... to listen to others and myself... I became a monster who wanted to make another lover... That’s why I was so obsessed with Dungeons... I wanted to make myself the lover who rejected me. To build myself another Nanya...” I felt as if I was being torn apart while I said these words. I felt like my very soul was leaving my body, trying to escape the agony I had put it through. “However, I failed.... and built instead a son I never wished to have. I rejected him and my own creation for it was not the lover I sought... I tried to die, thinking that with this I could flee from the horror that I had created. I assembled a living being... piece by piece... and pretended like it was nothing... I took pieces of Nanya’s own kind and put them all together in front of her... and pretended like I was researching a path towards her... A perverted fantasy... like that of a human trying to win a woman’s love by digging out her heart and showing it to her... or replacing it with another. If her heart does not love me, then I should just change her heart. A corrupted... twisted... morbid mentality of a senile old fool...” I said as I felt the weight of my words... and they were crushing me.

“You tried... to build a lover?” she asked.

“I tried... and failed... I made a son but rejected him... I rejected myself and fled from reality... Nanya rejected me, and I was afraid of that... of that pain, so I tried to hide it behind curiosity, behind creation... I made an academy to raise my prestige... I made a Dungeon to replace her heart... that never loved me. And now...” I looked up at her. “I tried to do the same with you... To tell you to change into a human for me... To get a body that I could love and change as I wished... To have you just for me... a lover who would love me because I made her that way... because I created her that way...” I looked down ashamed.

“Tuby... you wanted me to look like you... because you thought that this was the only way I could love you?” she asked.

“I wanted... to be the one to sculpt you... but... I realized what I was doing only now... Is it my young body that allowed me to have this moment of clarity? Is it this impending war that broke my sanity? Or was it just time for my heart’s locks and cages to finally be dismantled by my own hands? By my constant... puzzling...” I looked up at her “You are not Nanya... you are not...” I looked down at my hands, the trembling had resumed. “Gods... it hurts! Why?”

Yandrea... took the weak and trembling me and hugged me.

“You wanted to be together but she rejected you. That rejection is what is hurting you, my dear Tuby.” she gently patted my back like a caring wife would.

“How did I become such a monster? I made Illsyore... because I wanted Nanya... I could not even truly accept him... I faked a smile and tried to think of ways to make another... I saw Illsyore as a failure... not as a son... the failure to create my own lover... Gods! Why am I so twisted?! Why did I allow myself to become like this?! Why did I not see it?!” I cried out as I hugged Yandrea back, my tears rolling down my cheeks.

“When you arrived in my dungeon... you were dying. I healed you and because I wanted to have a husband... and I feared the reiss... the furglore, and the negvar elves, I tried to make you less like them... I took away your wrinkles, your beard, your age... I left your round ears and rebuilt you like I wanted... If what you made makes you a monster, then we are two monsters...”

“Two monsters... who cannot find love... Broken monsters who tried to build their love in others...”

“Or maybe we are two fools who did not know any better... Tuby, I’m afraid of the reiss... furglores, and of the negvar elves... I don’t want to become like them... I hate this appearance of an elf, but it is the closest one to you that I can mimic... I hate it because I don’t want to become like them. I don’t want to be like the ones who tormented me for many centuries!” she cried out.

“And I... tried to make you form a body... like theirs... I’m sorry...” I said.

“I shaped you to be different from them because I was afraid of them...” she said.

We stayed like this for a while as my mind was starting to calm down, the pain... was subsiding. Her words were piercing deep within my heart. I was beginning to gain the clarity that I had denied myself of.

“What now?” she asked.

“To be or not to be... a monster who creates other monsters...”

“I don’t want to be a monster...” she spoke in a whisper.

“Until... I wanted to be that monster... to be the one who shapes love... but I’m not so certain now... No.” I shook my head “It would be best to say that I already chose to be a monster previously... and all that brought me was the suffering I am going through now...”

“Do I make you suffer?” her voice trembled.

“No, you are my salvation...” I pulled back and looked deep into her eyes “I can remain a fool who is blind to you... a monster who wishes to changes you... but whether you accept me or reject me, that is your choice to make... and mine to accept. I don’t... I don’t want to be a monster anymore... I don’t want to change you... I don’t want to force you to be someone you are not... I don’t want another Nanya... I want you... I want Yandrea.” I said.

In this moment, when I said these words, I do not know what happened, but I felt like an invisible weight that had always been on my heart... was lifted. I felt like my mind was letting all the dust and grime it had gathered through my long years of life... and finally allowed itself to be cleaned... I felt like my soul... was back on the right path.

I felt like I could be myself again... not the foolish intoxicated man who only saw the obsession in a woman who never wanted him... An obsession in a woman who rejected him. An obsession that hurt more than anything I had experienced.

“Then from now on, we are not monsters... We are Yandrea and Tuberculus... husband and wife... Dungeon and Human...” she said and I finished her words.

“Two souls who are still searching for who they are and what they want to become... Two souls who still dream of love... of a destiny that is more than just a fictive creation of one’s mind... Two souls that finally see each other...” I said and then... I kissed her.